Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
I like boys who are happy with two girls and not one.
Guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly girls because looks aren't everything. Perhaps the pretty girl is a bitch ass, herpes ridden whore who has no respect for the guy's personal space or freedoms.
You rejected me for someone else, but i will deal with it because i am not a self centered bitch and understand that not everyone loves me the most.
As a matter of fact, the world does revolve around me. BECAUSE I'M SO FAT.
I am god.
I like guys who don't drop everything just to make their girlfriend smile. Don't be a demanding, self centered bitch. They have lives too.
Guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly girls because looks aren't everything. Perhaps the pretty girl is a bitch ass, herpes ridden whore who has no respect for the guy's personal space or freedoms.
You rejected me for someone else, but i will deal with it because i am not a self centered bitch and understand that not everyone loves me the most.
As a matter of fact, the world does revolve around me. BECAUSE I'M SO FAT.
I am god.
I like guys who don't drop everything just to make their girlfriend smile. Don't be a demanding, self centered bitch. They have lives too.
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
Wednesday, 7 July 2010
Thursday, 1 July 2010
Bears vs. Polio.
15. What are some of the major issues facing the world today?
Bears. Bears are a major issue facing the world today, and every other day. That and the deterioration of the American morals and standards that we hold so close to our hearts.
Do you know how many people are injured, physically and mentally, each year by bears? I don't, but i'm sure it's a lot. More than polio. Well, maybe not more than polio but, let's face it, bears are much more scary and intimidating than polio. Have you ever heard anyone say "OMG! Run! It's polio!" I bet not because polio is a small virus, as opposed to a large, omnivorous caniform with large intimidating teeth. Face it: people just don't run away from polio. They do, however, run away from bears, which doesn't do too much good, seeing as even the slowest bear can run at a speed of 30 mph, as opposed to the fastest human (Maurice Green, at a sprinting speed of 26.7 mph).
In conclusion, it can be safely assumed that bears are the single largest threat facing the world today.
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Monday, 28 June 2010
Tuesday, 22 June 2010
The Idea of Global Warming
I'm all for saving the world, but people need to start being realistic. Chances are, you know little to nothing about global warming and your real goal in preaching apocalyptic doom if we don't use special light bulbs is to make you feel good about your conscience. So stop.
Now, perhaps i should explain this more thoroughly. I have a friend. I suppose we can call her Susan. Susan looooves the idea of global warming; she'll preach it to you at any and every given opportunity. I had a conversation with her the other morning:
Do you see what she did there? She managed to jump to a conclusion, based upon no fact, in an attempt to make me feel guilty for purposely throwing clean stacks of paper as tall as a Bantha into dumpsters, just because I hate tress. What Susan really should be doing here is randomly juxtaposing objects with the idea of global warming in order to keep herself occupied until either A. She dies or B. someone else finds a solution. Let's hope for the first one.
I suppose I could deal with so-called "global warming" enthusiasts if they didn't make me feel wrongly unintelligent. (Despite popular belief, I am actually quite intelligent.) Global warming activists think that they are smarter than us "normal people." They spit out facts like crazy ("For every can you throw in the trash, two endangered caterpillars will die of polio!") and act like they know what they are talking about, when, in reality, the highest bit of scientific education they have on their backs is Honors Biology in high school. Naturally, the kind of people who become global warming activists follow up their high school career with college degrees in things like Modern Literature, Sequential Art, and Abstract Metaphorical Space Exploration. After they receive their bachelors from various liberal arts colleges, they go on to take office jobs as secretaries and people who enter data into computers. But don't worry: despite the disappointingly "normal" jobs, they will continue to make people feel stupid in their spare time.
I have another friend who believes she is a global warming activist. This one has a bachelor's degree in Abstract Metaphorical Space Exploration. (I asked her to explain what exactly this is, and after many diagrams involving bright arrows and Francisco Goya paintings, I came to the conclusion that Jesus isn't real.) I had a conversation with her the other day and she naturally managed to jump from Beetlejuice to global warming and the destruction of many of our earth's lovable creatures.
People like this make me want to destroy the planet. There's such a constant influx of them that you can never win . As annoying as these enthusiasts may be, there's no point in trying to rid oneself of them, as they will return, and in greater numbers.
However, through my years of experience dealing with people, I have noted some almost adequate ways to deal with people like this. Remind them that if it's not global warming destroying the planet, it will be something else. Bears seem like a rather large threat at the moment, but no one really knows what is in store for us. The point is that at the end of the movie, there will always be another Death Star around to turn the planet into an asteroid field.
In the meantime, I'm going to go lackadaisically eat some platypies. I hear they're delicious.
*Note to editor: Remind me to stop talking to people.
Now, perhaps i should explain this more thoroughly. I have a friend. I suppose we can call her Susan. Susan looooves the idea of global warming; she'll preach it to you at any and every given opportunity. I had a conversation with her the other morning:
ME: I saw this really cool bird the other day. I looked it up,
and turns out it's called a Rainbow Swallowtail. It's really chill and all--
SUSAN: (interrupting me) That entire species will
DIE unless you recycle.
Do you see what she did there? She managed to jump to a conclusion, based upon no fact, in an attempt to make me feel guilty for purposely throwing clean stacks of paper as tall as a Bantha into dumpsters, just because I hate tress. What Susan really should be doing here is randomly juxtaposing objects with the idea of global warming in order to keep herself occupied until either A. She dies or B. someone else finds a solution. Let's hope for the first one.
I suppose I could deal with so-called "global warming" enthusiasts if they didn't make me feel wrongly unintelligent. (Despite popular belief, I am actually quite intelligent.) Global warming activists think that they are smarter than us "normal people." They spit out facts like crazy ("For every can you throw in the trash, two endangered caterpillars will die of polio!") and act like they know what they are talking about, when, in reality, the highest bit of scientific education they have on their backs is Honors Biology in high school. Naturally, the kind of people who become global warming activists follow up their high school career with college degrees in things like Modern Literature, Sequential Art, and Abstract Metaphorical Space Exploration. After they receive their bachelors from various liberal arts colleges, they go on to take office jobs as secretaries and people who enter data into computers. But don't worry: despite the disappointingly "normal" jobs, they will continue to make people feel stupid in their spare time.
I have another friend who believes she is a global warming activist. This one has a bachelor's degree in Abstract Metaphorical Space Exploration. (I asked her to explain what exactly this is, and after many diagrams involving bright arrows and Francisco Goya paintings, I came to the conclusion that Jesus isn't real.) I had a conversation with her the other day and she naturally managed to jump from Beetlejuice to global warming and the destruction of many of our earth's lovable creatures.
ME: I watched Beetlejuice with my seventeen cats the other
day. I think they really enjoyed it. I swear Sprinkles was trying to quote it
that whole evening.
Abstract Metaphorical Space Explorer:
That reminds me of this article I read. The melting of the icecaps is causing
platypuses to migrate North. It's terrible, really. People in parts of Asia are
using them to make foreign dishes! They call them "platypies." I can't believe that anyone would
do something like that! (exasperated sigh).*
People like this make me want to destroy the planet. There's such a constant influx of them that you can never win . As annoying as these enthusiasts may be, there's no point in trying to rid oneself of them, as they will return, and in greater numbers.
However, through my years of experience dealing with people, I have noted some almost adequate ways to deal with people like this. Remind them that if it's not global warming destroying the planet, it will be something else. Bears seem like a rather large threat at the moment, but no one really knows what is in store for us. The point is that at the end of the movie, there will always be another Death Star around to turn the planet into an asteroid field.
In the meantime, I'm going to go lackadaisically eat some platypies. I hear they're delicious.
*Note to editor: Remind me to stop talking to people.
Sunday, 20 June 2010
Saturday, 19 June 2010
Monday, 14 June 2010
Sunday, 13 June 2010
Saturday, 12 June 2010
Friday, 11 June 2010
Thursday, 10 June 2010
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